343 Guilty Spoon

Master Chief, in search of Captain Keyes and his squad, is searching a mysterious installation under a swamp. He has come across a fallen marine and is viewing his camera record.

Mendoza: Why do we have to eat this old stuff, sarge? This cereal tastes like bits of newspaper, and this milk has been sitting on the radiator for about eighty years!

Sarge: Watch your mouth, son. That cereal is your history.

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Halos Brand Breakfast Cereal

narcogen's picture

A discussion about how heavily the Halo franchise was being marketed of course led to a "Halo: The Breakfast Cereal" joke as per a similar mention in the Mel Brooks movie, Spaceballs.

That spurred a few lines of marketing-speak that could be used to promote a Halo cereal. Most of that can be seen here:

http://quotes.pfordee.com/index.php?quote=1564

Afterwards I thought it might be possible to rewrite every Halo and Halo 2 cutscene as a long serial advertisement for this cereal.

If I Had A Super Cereal... I'd Keep It To Myself

The Chief enters the control room. There is a holographic control panel with several cabinet doors beneath it.

Cortana: That cabinet, try there.

The Master Chief opens a cabinet, places Cortana inside. Munching noises can be heard.

Master Chief: Is the cereal there? Are you all right?

Cortana: Never been better! You can't imagine the wealth of nutrition. So many vitamins, so fast... it's glorious!

Master Chief: So, what kind of cereal is it?

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The Cereal Cartographer

The Chief and Cortana are sneaking into an underground structure, accompanied by a group of marines.

Marine Pilot (on radio): Mayday, mayday! Dropship Bravo 22 taking enemy fire! Ground teams, you got two enemy dropships coming in fast!

Marine: Dammit! Okay, people, we got company comin', let's set the table.

Cortana: Marines, hold off the Covenant here while the Chief and I activate the map. There, that holo panel. Press it.

The Master Chief presses the holo panel and a holographic map appears.

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Feeding the Belly of the Beast

The Master Chief and a group of marines are deep inside a Covenant cruiser. A door opens, and they enter the cruiser's detention area.

Cortana: This looks like the ship's brig. The cereal signal is strong. And we might find the captain, too.

Marine (in holding cell): Chief! We're starving, let us out, man!

Captain Keyes: (in adjacent holding cell) Stow the bellyaching, soldier. Remember, you're a leatherneck.

Master Chief: So that's what they're made of.

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Breakfast: It Does A Body Good

The Master Chief and Cortana, accompanied by a group of marines manning a Warthog jeep, approach a crashed lifeboat from the Pillar of Autumn.

Cortana: I've picked up reports that the Covenant have located and secured the Pillar of Autumn's crash site. The Captain is still alive, but the Covenant have captured our entire supply of Halos Brand breakfast cereal. Let's hurry and find the other survivors so we can recapture it.

Marine: There are weapons and supplies, Chief. But no cereal. And no bodies.

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Freezer Burn

The Master Chief arrives on the Bridge of the Pillar of Autumn to meet Captain Keyes and Cortana.

Master Chief: Captain Keyes.

Captain Keyes: Good to see you, Master Chief. Sorry for the quick thaw. Have you had breakfast yet?

Master Chief: Not yet. And we skipped the weapons diagnostic.

Captain Keyes: There's always time for breakfast, son. How could we have fended off a dozen superior Covenant battleships if I hadn't had a good breakfast this morning?

Cortana: Oh, so YOU did that?

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UNSC Cruiser

narcogen's picture

With apologies to the Steve Miller Band.

When I left home, I don't even know
Have I been here before?
Ridin' along in this old Pelican
I've been thinking about my home
But my A.I. seems so far away
And there are things that I've left undone
Somebody's trying to make me stay
You know I've got to be movin' on

Oh, big ol' UNSC cruiser
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, big ol' UNSC cruiser
Cause it's here that I've got to stay

The IBO Song

narcogen's picture

With apologies to Gilbert, Sullivan, and HunterX11 who started it.

We are the very model of a modern Halo IRC,
We've information Forerunner, Covenant and UNSC,
We know the prophet hierarchs and quote the drama ILB,
Play Marathon and Halo, too, sometimes even on XBC.
We're very well acquainted, too, with ICQ and IMDB,
About rampant speculation extremely skeptical are we,
With many useless facts about the status of the great journey.

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